I looked up to you. I saw you as my protector, and too many times, I watched you fail me in this capacity.
Where were you when I was being abused?
Why didn’t you protect me?
Did you wish that for me since you tried to throw me away when I was only 2 months old?
Why didn’t you protect me?!?
There were only five years that separated us, but you always treated me like something stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
There were moments when you had time for me, and times when you didn’t want to be bothered. The latter always prevailed.
In my eyes, I thought you could do no wrong. However, it became clear that you only cared about yourself. And I became increasingly jealous over the attention that was constantly showered on you… and enraged at your very existence.
You were the pretty one. Miss Congeniality. Miss Homecoming Princess. The cover girl. The model.
Then one day, it happened. Your world came crumbling down.
You hooked up with the wrong guy, started doing the wrong things… and just like that, the beauty queen’s crown showed its crookedness!
“Finally!” I thought. Now, everyone can see that you, too, were flawed; that you were not perfect.
Maybe now I could get some of the spotlight that had been shining on you for so long.
Making you better became the source of everyone’s focus.
I was the mostly A (sometimes B) student.
I was the 4th chair flutist (out of 18), even though my teacher knew I had it in me to take 1st chair.
I was the hurdler; the high jumper; the relay runner!
I was the one with a full ride to West Point!
No one cheered for me because there was always you.
My band performances and track meets went unattended.
You had what I wanted!
You were the source of so much of the blame that dwelled within me
I even blamed you for Mommy’s death.
Prior to her death, she told me that she could have had surgery to remove the tumors, but she did not want to be laid up in bed when you came to visit.
When you came to visit?!?
She waited and waited for that visit to come for over a year! And true to form, you finally waltzed in when it was convenient for you, which was 2 hours before she died.
So. much. FUCKING rage towards you!
Enraged that on Mommy’s deathbed, you made it all about you.
When you had the audacity to ask for that necklace you had pawned years before, I could have slapped the shit out of you!
I was the one who left my military career, so I could be closer to her during her last months and take care of her!
You… left nothing behind. Yet, it was you who everyone felt sorry for when she headed across the rainbow bridge!
It was you who had waited until it was too late, and now we all had to pity you!
For years, I felt like I would be stuck living in your shadow; never in the familial spotlight.
It was not until I separated myself from the family that I was finally free of that self-imposed chain.
However, I will always remember those 4 ½ years you lived as a lesbian. [sigh] They were the highlight of our time together because you were the sister I needed; so loving and attentive; so “all for one”.
Good times. Thank you.
I began writing this letter to you in 2014, so all of the anger, resentment, and jealousy are gone.
Harboring such intense emotions for so many years had become cancerous (figuratively speaking). Since I had lost mommy to cancer, I let them go.
I forgive you.
And I am sorry.
I am sorry for being angry, resentful, and jealous of you.
I was unwilling to see the greatness within myself, so I projected my insecurities onto you, which you always reflected back at me.
I am sorry for blaming you for things of which you were oblivious. Because being in the observant space was never your thing.
And I am sorry for expecting so much of you and from you.