August 9, 2011

If Not Now… When?

I have cried enough tears to fill an ocean, sending myself into the deepest abyss, pondering…

Will he be okay when I’m gone?

I’ve spent so much time worrying and stressing about what will happen to him tomorrow that, at times, I have allowed precious moments of my today slip carelessly slip through my hands.

Germany has its Autobahn… the road I travel has a beautiful yet mysterious companion that is Autism.

My journey has been one of great fascination… and frustration. There have been many twists, turns, bumps, and detours along the way. One moment, I am cruising along at a comfortable speed, letting the wind caress my face, and in a flash, I encounter a pot hole that rattles me to the core.

I have spent many nights awake, fretting about his future, riddled with guilt that perhaps I am not doing enough for him.

I am a parent, and like most parents, I want only the best for my son. What I want for myself, I want to be returned to him a thousand fold… kindness, respect, love, and acceptance.

As I gaze upon his innocent face, I see a child who does not understand that the rest of the world is not like him.  Although, incredibly unique, humankind is not yet up to his speed.  His outer world appears to be filled with great sadness while his inner world is bright and hopeful.

To shade such innocence with doom and gloom would be unfair. I also cannot turn a blind eye to what I see.

So, what am I to do?

I know that life is full of choices. I also know that the better my choices, the better life becomes.


I choose to go with love for that is the only constant I know.  It is absolute and unconditional. He deserves nothing less.

I choose to follow my heart, and continue to assist him to the best of my ability, in hopes that he will be well equipped as he walks the path on his own footing.

I choose to let go, for I cannot control his life, nor can I keep him hidden away.

I choose to be at peace, knowing that he is divinely protected and all is well… and will continue to be well.

I choose to be a beacon that encourages him to find his own way, his own light, so that his dependence on me lessens each day.

I choose to be the “believing eyes” of the bright future that I envision for him.

Like all roads, his will have its moments, but with each day, I become more confident that the choices I make will serve him well.

He amazes me every day, and I am often left without words by what he expresses through his words and his art.  I am often befuddled as to how something so beautiful came from my womb. No, I am not being tough on myself for I do know that the beauty that is him also resides in me. And that apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

He leaves me breathless. He is truly one of the most magnificent people that I have ever known, and as tears fall down my cheek, I can only say this… I am grateful and infinitely blessed to be his mother!

He is my greatest joy, and had autism not chosen us to accompany it on this journey, I may not have ever known just how beautiful life can be.

All we have is right now… please make the most of it.

May your road be filled with as much love, joy, peace, happiness, and wonder.

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