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May 15, 2015

Invasion of the Vahjayjay Snatcher!

(And yes! I DO see what I did there! 😀 )

In order to maintain my desire to leave a minimal impact on Mother Earth, I invested in The Diva Cup. It’s that thingamajig that replaces the “those aren’t candy, little girl” tube fillers and “could they be any more uncomfortable” mattress pads women use during our monthly visits from Aunt Flo!

Well, all I have to say is this thing is like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers is taking place in my naughty bits. Worst still… the aliens made it in TWO sizes!!! Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!?

Size 1: Perfect & Petite (for the pristine vahjayjay that hasn’t been “tow up from the flow up” from pushing another human out of it and is still under 30 [Yep! You read that correctly! WTH!])

AND

Size 2: GinormaCon (for the vahjayjays that should just give up now and get a TON of cats because all hope is lost! {No offense to anyone who, well, has a ton of cats… and a well-endowed vahjayjay!])

Who came up with these rules?!?!? I’d like to have a sit-down with that person, so if you have contact info.. lemme know! 😉

I’ll admit… I was spread wider than The Grand Canyon when I was birthing my Prince. However, my naughty bits are now more like a labyrinth (I hear David Bowie in the distance. 😉 ) versus a gaping vortex that requires a massive plug as the makers of The Diva Cup believe to be necessary! Childbirth may have done some re-arranging downstairs… however, the size of my Valley of Dreams Come True didn’t change… at all!

My bad! I’m venting!

Where was I? Oh, yes…

Today was my first experience with The Diva Cup, and I feel like I was auditioning for Cirque du Soleil trying to get this thing in place. Come to think of it… someone FROM Cirque du Soleil probably wrote the instructions because only a contortionist could get this thing to act right!

Can I get a YouTube video??? A vision board? A TUTOR?  Give me something… PLEASE!

Worst of all… most of this thing is, well, hanging out. I feel like a dude! I know I’m a single parent (filling both roles and all), but this is beyond ree-donk-culous!

I am SOOOOOO glad I work from home because this thing is taunting me!

Every time I push it back in, it pops out– not enough to completely free itself from the vice grip of my Valley of Dreams Come True (Thank you, Mr. Kegel!)– but just enough to be noticeably felt.

OY!

It looks like I’m giving birth to the alien spawn that was implanted in me during the invasion!

We were invaded, right???

{sigh} I know there’s a lesson here! I know that silver lining is bound to rear its head any minute! I just know it!

In the meantime, I have a message for you, Mister Diva Cup Maker Person.  Not all Valleys are created equal! You see, the 2 doesn’t always do… for some of us!

By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Worvan...” my vahjayjay shall be avenged!

I am not throwing in the towel! “Never give up… never surrender!” 😀

In a couple of days, size 1 will have found its way to my vahjayjay, and I’ll let you know how this one fares!

Oh, the things I do for Mother Earth! (Know that I truly do love you!)

P.S. I must admit something. The little carrying bag is totes adorbs and so thoughtful! (See!  Silver lining! BOOM! 😉 )

DISCLAIMER: The views shared in this post are my own, and they have nothing to do with gemstones or Reiki. However, they do have everything to do with shifting when shifting is necessary! I thank you in advance for respecting them.

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