[It is my deepest intention that this open (and raw) sharing will assist you (the reader) in better understanding any karmic connections that make your head spin and your heart ache with an unquenchable longing… even if what you long for is not good for you in any way.]
My dearest Sal,
It has always been you. Whenever I am feeling incomplete in any way, or on the precipice of something changing, in a major way, I think of you then I desire you with an incredible intensity that overwhelms and consumes me entirely.
For years, I resisted you and what we were to one another. I allowed all of my childhood angst to play itself out during all of our time together. I allowed those unhealed, unresolved, unacknowledged, seemingly “shameful” emotions to swell up, overtake me, and leak into your space like an incurable dis-ease.
It was never about you, nor was anything that I was dealing with, or what was happening around us, your fault. My deeply seeded trust and abandonment issues kept me guarded, fearful, and unwilling to express any heartfelt, long-lasting, loving emotions towards you. All of this was my choice, and I’m truly sorry for placing the responsibility of my happiness solely on your shoulders.
I offered you burdens that were not yours to bear.
It was my “mommy and daddy” issues that left me feeling as if I wasn’t enough, or good enough. I was a lonely little girl who felt out-of-place among my family. I was, indeed, the “black sheep” (no pun intended) because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be the free bird I longed to be. Those feelings of not being enough/good enough presented themselves in every relationship, but never as much as my time with you.
Although, I knew my parents (bio dad included) did the best they could with the tools that had been handed down to them from their parents, I nonetheless felt inadequate, alone, and misunderstood.
Harboring such emotions, and placing intensified focus on them, meant they had to find their way into our relationship; my thinking made manifest all that I feared.
Being with me, while you were also with other women, made my emotions unbearable at times. The intensity of what I was holding as my “truth” was agonizing, so I didn’t offer much to our relationship… and you went elsewhere. Why would you want to stay in a place where you did not feel loved, or supported? However, cheating on me was the cowardly way out.
I blamed you for everything! All of my unresolved shit (even if you weren’t around when I was going through it), and everything we experienced whenever we were with each other. And I used to justify every hurt I caused you. Of course, it wasn’t until recently that I even acknowledged that I had caused you any pain/hurt.
I didn’t know it then, but you have always been a loving mirror, reflecting back to me, by way of your actions, all of the shit I was refusing to heal within myself.
What an amazing gift you have been to me, and I am so grateful for you, and for the space you’ve given me to grow into the woman I am right now. Thank YOU! <3
I know I broke your heart in high school, and that you have been condemning me ever since. Choosing to remain closed to me — keeping me at a distance — so you do not have to relive that pain. HOWEVER, I am no longer that confused 18-year old.
Even now, you continue to condemn me for our many “yesterdays”, yet for some reason I believe that…
I need you to see me for who I am TODAY!
I also want you to know why I always “ran away” from us.
I ran because I didn’t want to face the Truth of another agreement that our Souls made before we returned to this realm… for what seemed like the gazillionth time.
I believed that running away was the only way I wouldn’t be rejected/abandoned again.
Running away was the only way I could continue telling lying to myself; allowing myself to believe that I was better off without you.
I was a scared little girl masquerading in a grown woman’s body!
Whenever I looked in your eyes, I saw forever, and that scared the shit out of me in ways I didn’t want to admit to myself. Since I didn’t understand what any of this life meant (the “whys” of my existence), I sure as hell wasn’t about to let the truth unravel before me… while in your presence. At least, not back then!
Little did I know that the way/the truth would be shown… whether I was ready or not!
I didn’t know it at the time, but seeing you on my birthday in 2011 really set the tone for me to embark on a profoundly transformative journey of healing where I would completely open myself to receive/hear the Truth.
I needed to heal all of my regrets I harbored towards you and others.*
I needed to heal all the pain.
I needed to heal the issues with the ‘rents.
I needed to heal the sexual abuse during my toddler years**.
In a nutshell, I needed to grow up… in more ways than one, and get back to the Truth of my BEing. Since we always returned back to one, which was to each other, I wanted to fully understand why.
Why did I always come back to you?
Why was it, oft-times, so painful?
Why was I so numb through a lot of it?
The Truth nearly knocked me off my rocker!
Our connection is no accident!
We’ve been weaving this cosmic web, dancing in this way for many lifetimes; moving through similar patterns only with different names and faces.
We co-created this experience long before we incarnated as us.
The two of us have experienced many loving and meaningful past life experiences together but there were also many traumatic and painful experiences that we’ve shared, which is why the two of us have experienced so many issues in this life. Our soul hasn’t fully recovered or healed from these past life experiences.
You and I are bound by stardust… yet, lifetime after lifetime, we often choose to interact like two stars about to go all supernova on one another.
Regarding this lifetime…
My mother had the opportunity to head to the UK a few months before I was born. If she had, my portion of our soul would have anchored itself over there, and who knows if we would have ever met. For I am confident my life would have taken different paths.
Since my soul anchored in Los Angeles, it was easier for us to be closer to one another.
It is no coincidence that your family moved to California a few years later.
It is no coincidence that I found myself returning to California in 1979 where we would, once again, be in the same state. However, this time, we were closer because I moved to the same town and attended the same school as you.
It is no coincidence that I would once again be moved back to said town in 1985 and end up at the same high school as you where our paths would finally cross.
It is no coincidence that my mother would fall ill; I would leave active duty; and find myself doing my medical residency (,military equivalent) at a base less than 20 minutes from you.
It is no coincidence that I would return, on vacation, nearly 12 long years later, and we would find ourselves… well, you know… happy to see one another.
It is no coincidence that from that moment , our struggles became increasingly intense for nearly 3 years. (I suppose you being married, lying about being separated then subsequently cheating on me did not help matters.)
It is no coincidence that today we find ourselves at yet another crossroad. Only it is this one where we must decide if ignoring the soul’s path has been worth it, thereby allowing any residual pain to linger and become even more rancid, or if it is all bullshit because you do not believe in any of this shit?
Through the years, you have always been my only relationship reference. For the listener, one would think that you have been the only man with whom I’ve ever been intimate.
The truth of the matter is that you’re the only man who’s been in almost every decade of my life, and now, I accept why.
So, what exactly have I been doing for the past 1,350 days?
I’ve been following the Divine design of our soul’s paln.
Like a brick fallin’ from the rooftop of the School of Hard Knocks, it’s been one helluva ride! The fears of abandonment, rejection, (un)deservedness, unworthiness, and anything else that kept showing up, where you were concerned, no longer have a stronghold over me. I’m no longer afraid or fearful of what we are (were), and with this acknowledgement came a massive release of lifetimes of drama!
All the times I sought wholeness and balance in you was doing a disservice to me. I was looking for you to heal me; to offer me what I was unwilling to offer myself; to be my everything, even when I didn’t want to be any of those things for myself.
Now, in this perfect moment, my opened heart is sending an abundance of love… your way. Brenda K. Starr is singing, I Still Believe, on my iPod right now… because when it comes to us… “I still believe that someday, you and me, will find ourselves in love again.”
My heart will always hold a space for you.
There is still work to be done, my love. It is past time to “make the donuts”.
Baby, I cannot do this on my own. I really need you to pull your head out of your ass, so we can get this stuff… in this lifetime!
And may this incarnation… be our last journey together.
* Being a sexual creature, it has even shocked me that you are the LAST person with whom I was intimate. 1,350 days (as of this post and counting) is a loooooonnnnnng time. 😉
** This experience left me closed off and unwilling to fully “go there” with another person. Feeling “inadequate” and “unloved” made me oft-times feel “dirty”, or “shameful”. I also felt that to receive, what I perceived as, “love” from another that it had to be sexual. It took many years for me to move through this untruth. Again, a lot of it was placed on your shoulders. You unknowingly carried it, and I am deeply thank you.